Poetry help

haha someone actually could've used a homework help section

anyway, not really good with poetry, but for english i have to come up with a poem about Life in Rubai form(1st,2nd, and 4th line endings rhyme and there should be a metaphor or a few). But i came up with this:

It rains and a new raindrop would land(birth)
Those puddles then hold hands(uniting...)
But Father Time would come to ruin the fun(death)
And the raindrop will no longer stand(death)

yeah.again...poetry isnt my thing haha. any suggestions/tips?

Hm...
You meet the requirements, but I feel the beats are kinda off. But that's just me. Not all poetry need to be on beat or anything.
Anyway. I don't know much about Life In Rublai form. I'm assuming (birth), (uniting), and (death) is part of the style?

BeastExe wrote:Hm...
You meet the requirements, but I feel the beats are kinda off. But that's just me. Not all poetry need to be on beat or anything.
Anyway. I don't know much about Life In Rublai form. I'm assuming (birth), (uniting), and (death) is part of the style?

the rhythm things makes it have a nicer effect though.
and nah, Rubai Form is just the end of lines 1/2/4 rhyming and having a metaphor. the life thing is just a theme our teacher wanted us to go by. since im doing it on life, i just listed what stages each line was for.
thanks :]
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this would be what a rubai is like:
(First 2 stanzas of Fitzgerald's Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam)

Awake! for Morning in the Bowl of Night
Has flung the Stone that puts the Stars to Flight:
And Lo! the Hunter of the East has caught
The Sultan's Turret in a Noose of Light.

Dreaming when Dawn's Left Hand was in the Sky
I heard a Voice within the Tavern cry,
"Awake, my Little ones, and fill the Cup
"Before Life's Liquor in its Cup be dry."

Why does Fitzgerald sound so familiar... Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald? Lol, no. I looked him up already.

It rains and a new raindrop would land
Those puddles then hold hands
But Father Time would come to ruin the fun
And the raindrop will no longer stand

Hm...
Maybe instead of "It rains and a new raindrop would land" you could use "It rains and the new raindrops land"
and same with the 3rd line. Try removing 'would' and see if you like it. In my opinion, it sounds better without the 'would.'
And maybe raindrops plural? Since you make a puddle with more than one raindrop.

BeastExe wrote:

It rains and a new raindrop would land
Those puddles then hold hands
But Father Time would come to ruin the fun
And the raindrop will no longer stand

Hm...
Maybe instead of "It rains and a new raindrop would land" you could use "It rains and the new raindrops land"
and same with the 3rd line. Try removing 'would' and see if you like it. In my opinion, it sounds better without the 'would.'
And maybe raindrops plural? Since you make a puddle with more than one raindrop.

It rains, another drop will land
They create puddles that strongly stand(any other -and words? haha)
But the Sun still burns them out
Now the puddles can’t hold hands

changed it to this. trying to take out ands.

Awesomer.
1st line, I still can't really figure out why it sounds funny...
I like how you changed the second line and added "strongly." Loaded words are good.
Maybe if you re-arrange your 3rd line to "But still the Sun burns them out?" It doesn't really matter. Both ways work.
And instead of "can't" I think it would be better for you to use "can not."
Basically, I like this one over your first one. |D

BeastExe wrote:Awesomer.
1st line, I still can't really figure out why it sounds funny...
I like how you changed the second line and added "strongly." Loaded words are good.
Maybe if you re-arrange your 3rd line to "But still the Sun burns them out?" It doesn't really matter. Both ways work.
And instead of "can't" I think it would be better for you to use "can not."
Basically, I like this one over your first one. |D

maybe cause i said it rains(present) and it will(future) land...maybe not sure
yeah the second way sounds better. it adds a pause for drama haha :0
thanks for the help

No problem. What class is this? Poetry? o.o
I know we have a poetry class here... luckily there's no final to it. And I'm not taking it. XD I like poetry but I suck at it.

haha just regular English. we're reading old stories and i guess its just to help us get the idea of it.
yeah its like a talent thing i guess. some people have words, some have drawing, computer designing and other stuff

I guess. I don't have a creative mind. Well I do... but not at certain times. Only when I'm inspired or something... I guess. I could never compose music though. I know I can never do that. xD

hmmm poetry... ima pro at dat

i dont know what rubai is like tho...

wouldn't a pro know most of the things about their thing haha,jk. i remember

hmmm good point...

btw whats rubai.... an island? or... haha idk

Its a type of form where there are 4lines. the last word of the 1st, 2nd, and 4th lines have to rhyme. and there has to be a message/metaphor in it.

@.@

um ill get back to you on that haha.
ill try to think of something smooth